From “Fight Club” to “Up All-Night Club”: Movies Get a Parental Makeover

Welcome back readers!

Movies are a huge part of our lives. They give us an escape from reality, delving all viewers into a fantasy world. For those couple of hours, you don’t have to worry about the daily routine and grind. But I had this idea the other day while on Twitter, playing hashtag games; what if movie titles were changed to fit what was going on in your current life? More specifically, parenthood? An important part of my life is being a dad. So, join me as I wonder how the names of some popular movies would change to become more relevant to certain aspects of my (and maybe your) experiences with parenthood….Hmmmmm….

“The Wadfather”: Us caretakers for those bundles of joy learn how to pack everything into a single diaper bag to be prepared for anything. It’s amazing how much stuff that little child of yours requires, as accessories were not included when they were born. The funny thing is, it’s hard to find shit in that black hole of a bag when you need it. Why do we continue with this pack-rat mentality? Ah, this is so you don’t have to carry another bag. Yet us parents end up developing a hunchback big enough where you should be in a bell tower. In the long run though, you continue with the tradition of making a packed bag that no one can peruse.

“The Dark Knight Rises…Constantly From The Couch”: As a parent, there are plenty of instances where you feel like Batman: You always have to get off your stony perch (really a couch, but go with it for the reference, okay?) and tell kids to stop doing…whatever it is they are doing…in a pissed tone. They run away, giggling like Joker. Those times? Would rather fight Joker. On a side note, could you picture if you really were Batman? Wouldn’t children just break all your high-tech shit? Imagine how embarrassing it would be to go into your utility belt for a Batarang, only to find it covered with chewed bubblegum!

“Poop Fiction”: A nerve-wracking part of my parenting experience is the ominous bowel movement away from home. And kids are deceptive, putting you on edge by forcing the thought that they soiled themselves. Makes it feel as though you are checking every five minutes, never finding anything. When your guard is finally down in the grocery check-out line and there is a delay (“Paging Marsellus Wallace! You left your ID” ) that’s when it strikes. You know what they call this situation? Low Morale With Unease.

“Ei8ht”: That number is the average hours of sleep that some lucky individuals might receive. With a teething toddler in the house, that’s the average number of times you will  wake up during the night in fear. Fear that the angry leprechaun you used to call your child is going to start bawling at any minute. These terrible thoughts stalk your dreams like a fucking serial killer. It’s moments like this which make me wish Kevin Spacey would do me a favor and put my head in a box.

“Wan with Chagrin”: Routines are an essential part of life. And I am learning it is important to introduce them to your child at a young age. It has been going pretty well….except for cleaning up the toys. I don’t know about your kids, but mine enjoys emptying out his toy box during the day and doesn’t even play with a majority of them. Then, right before bedtime when he should be cleaning up, he suddenly treats Cookie Monster like a newly unwrapped Christmas gift. The constant instructing to clean up gets exhausting, especially when every attempt at reasoning is met with an expression that says, “Frankly, my Papa, I don’t give a damn!”

That is but a small sample of the craziness inside my head. Only I would take these popular movies and transform them into the horror genre. All joking aside, there are plenty of other films that would highlight all the best parts of my current journey. They just aren’t as funny and humor has helped me get through the harder parts of parenting, as I am sure it has helped others. So, hopefully every parent who reads this can relate to what I have gone through and laugh at both of our situations . Hell, maybe you may feel adventurous and come up with your own titles. But even with all the difficulty parenting can throw at us, “It’s a Wonderful Life.” And that title doesn’t need any revision for me.

“Downward-Facing Dog Day Afternoon”

-Until next time!



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