To My Impending Opponent,
I am writing this letter to you. When Momma and Papa first broke the news, I couldn’t believe it. There is already a baby in this house and I feel as though I’ve held the title admirably. But apparently the parents thought it was necessary to create another little person. The real question is why? Do they feel they can actually replicate the adorable qualities that I possess? Let’s be honest, eventual nemesis. I’m the best little baby in the whole world, with abundant charm, good-looks, and modesty.
But alas, there must be something that I have done wrong to be presented with you as a curse. What could it be? Oh no, it must be the mood swings from these damned teeth! Or perhaps my need to always grab things that aren’t mine? It couldn’t possibly be me eating those grass clippings that were stuck in the carpet! My caregivers couldn’t have possibly seen me do that! Or did they?! I’ve actually just thought of something, my forthcoming adversary; what if you develop the same characteristics? Sure, all babies start off cute (not as cute as me) but I’ve witnessed the same tendencies occur in them all.
What if when you descend into the Black Hole of Bad Behaviors, Momma and Papa decide to have another child? I can’t let this happen to me….or should I say us? Yes, I see now, my forthcoming kin. We need to work together!
I now know that I must write this letter as a way of steering you in the right direction. This is so you don’t make the same mistakes I have and therefore halt the possibility of a third miniature addition. So, eventual brother/sister (I don’t know what to call you since our parents have decided to keep your gender a secret. I sure hope YOU know what you are!) here is a list of things that should assure you being the last addition to the family:
*Give Peas A Chance: I absolutely HATED peas when I first tried them. Just look at that face!
Now? I can’t get enough of them! Of course, there have been other things taking the spot peas once occupied. Actually, the only thing I currently have a real zest for is bananas. I could eat them all the time…mashed bananas, fried bananas, banana soup…oh great, I’m sounding like the Bubba Gump® of bananas! Okay where were we? Oh right, so when you start eating actual food, there will be a lot of items you like. And for the stuff you don’t enjoy, just pretend that you do.
*Sesame Street® Is On The Watch List, Not Caillou®: It seems as though Papa gets as much entertainment from watching those furry monsters stomp and count as I do. We enjoy this time together everyday and it helps me learn my numbers (what I really wish to learn is whether the one named Snuffleupagus has a drug problem). Another thing I’ve discovered? Never show interest in watching Caillou® because our parents can’t stand that show. I don’t understand why as I think he is just misunderstood. But remember the goal: NO MORE BABIES! As far as we are concerned, that kid is a whiner!
*The Dog Is A Dog, Not A Pony: Yeah, I have to say there have been many instances where yours truly attempts to sit on the furry one. Honestly, I don’t see the big deal as he could help me get to my destination quicker. Also the dog could use some exercise (he’s really let himself go in the sixteen months I’ve been around). Oh and speaking of the dog, don’t let him lick your face. I used to but then I saw where else that tongue goes. Believe me, it’s better I don’t give you the details just yet.
Well that is all the wisdom I can impart for now. You know, writing this letter has changed my entire view regarding this situation. I am actually looking forward to having you around to grow up with. To be able to show you new and exciting things. To blame you for anything I break…umm…forget that last part. So, I am anxiously awaiting your arrival sometime in November and will cherish you whether you are my little brother or sister. Or what if you are a MONKEY! That would be fantastic. Except you can’t eat all the bananas. Those are mine.
Peanut aka Your Big Brother.